2016-usa-olympic-team-basketball

If you’ve heard anything about the upcoming Summer Olympics in Rio then all of it has been bad. Zika Virus, corruption in Brazil, the anti-doping facility having to be shut down, an Uber strike, the water presumed to be unsafe to even swim in, a potential state of emergency having to be called. Yeah, the Rio Olympics sound more like a potential apocalypse more than the dope destination everyone thought it would be a few years ago when it was announced.

It’s even affected the most dominant export the USA gives out every Olympics – the men’s basketball team. Even though America doesn’t champion USA Basketball the same way it does gymnastics or swimming, basketball is where we happen to kick the most ass every four years. Except for 2004 where … yeah, Larry Brown refused to play a teenage LeBron James and we ended up settling for bronze. Look, the 2015-16 NBA season has caused plenty of people to drop out of even wanting to go (read: the Zika virus). LeBron James is taking the summer off because he just won his third NBA title and played June basketball for the sixth straight year (including an Olympic year in 2012). Steph Curry’s been nagged by injuries in the playoffs so he’s skipping the Olympics. Russell Westbrook effectively said “nah” along with John Wall, Damian Lillard and Kawhi Leonard. Chris Paul & LaMarcus Aldridge both said they weren’t playing because of injury but … didn’t CP3 break his hand in April? Yeah, it’s June now. Oh well.

Don’t fret America! Team USA has 12 players ready willing and able to hit Rio in style and mop up the universe in basketball to win our third consecutive gold medal. There’s Kyrie Irving whose about to embark on a Hate Me Now tour after his coming out party in the NBA Finals. Kevin Durant, after leading about half of the NBA on a “free food” chase could put up 30 PPG because he’s an international basketball gift from God. There’s Paul George who literally broke his leg trying to be part of this team two years ago. DeMarcus Cousins is about to escape the dysfunction of Sacramento, he could careless about potential life debilitating mosquitos! Draymond Green can do his new KG routine by “bullying” European bigs all he wants. And hey, Carmelo Anthony could possibly become the first American basketball player ever to have three gold medals and four medals overall. We’re saved!

Just, don’t tell Klay Thompson to get his feelings hurt or anything. And keep Harrison Barnes from playing any crucial minutes as it’s unclear where his jumper went in the NBA Finals. And if you decide to pair Kyle Lowry and Demar Derozan in the backcourt, let’s hope and pray that regular season Lowry and Derozan show up and not the playoff version of them. So yeah, USA Basketball is winning the gold medal with ease in Rio. Hopefully. I think.

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