download

On Tuesday evening, President Barack Obama will deliver his last State of the Union, thus beginning the hard part when we have to accept that, a little over a year from now, our President will no longer be Black (and, likely, our Lambos won’t be blue anymore, either).
With that being said, plenty of people are curious as to the things PBO might do and say in his final State of the Union. What follows, are five expectations – more like predictions, really – for what Barack Hussein Obama has planned for his very last National Address in the Senate chambers.
1. Barack Obama has to come out with theme music

If you follow me on Twitter – @PercivalPenman, shameless plug – then you know that, for years, I’ve been begging Barack (like, literally @’ing his Twitter account and everything) to play theme music on his way to the podium. For his final State of the Union address, he ought to and absolutely should have entrance music as he strolls through the aisles dapping up his homies and smirking at his haters.

I recommend C-Murder’s “Down for My N’s,” to drive the point home and be unapologetically Black. However, the theme music for wrestler The Rock (“Do you smell what Barack is cookin’!”) or “Power” by Kanye West (from Barack’s native Chicago) are also worthy substitutes.

2. Barack Obama has to call out Congress for being intentionally lazy attempting to repeal the ACA again

Another year, another “we must repeal Obamacare.” Sure, it has its flaws, but it can’t be denied that the Affordable Care Act has extended healthcare and insurance options to a wealth of people who had never had access to that before. Regardless of how you feel about it personally, there’s no point in trying to repeal something that The Supreme Court has already affirmed. And yet, I’m finding out that President Obama just vetoed another attempt to repeal the ACA and defund Planned Parenthood about a week ago (a week ago!)? Come on, man.

Barack Obama has to let the people – and by the people, I mean, Republicans – know that the ACA is here to stay and that Congress has better things to do besides combating Obamacare. Like, you know, passing actual laws.

3. Pour out a little liquor for John Boehner

This year marks the first time in six years that John Boehner won’t be sitting to Barack’s left hand side when the State of the Union is delivered. Speaker Boehner resigned last year, and in his place, Senator Paul Ryan will be joining Vice President OG Triple OG Joe Biden in the background.

I’ve grown accustomed to seeing John Boehner’s face turn fifty shades of red when The President is speaking, so it will be awkward not having “Boner” and his pained facial expressions to chuckle at anymore. The tea has to be especially delicious for Barack – the man who wanted to get him impeached, and who invited the enemy to the Senate without the President’s permission, ended up resigning.

So, if I’m POTUS, I’m taking just a small moment to pour a little liq- well, a little water out of my glass, for Mr. Boehner. You tried, you failed. And you’ll be missed. Paul Ryan, for sure, won’t turn as many colors.

4. Barack Obama, in an unprecedented move, should challenge Sallie Mae
POTUS has, in State of the Unions past, addressed the need to curb student loan debt and has even offered, as a form of relief, the opportunity for educators and those in government jobs to have their debt minimized or eliminated through service. I think it’s great that the President has focused on this oft-overlooked threat to the livelihood of Young America, but the time has come to do more.
Seeing as how he has nothing to lose anyway, President Obama should declare war on Sallie Mae. The lender has for decades now preyed upon students who pursue higher education by giving us loans that will take a lifetime to pay back unless we’re lawyers or doctors. By establishing Sallie Mae as an enemy and not a friend – a domestic terrorist, even – Barack will set a tone for student loan debt relief going forward and strike fear into the hearts of financial aid offices everywhere.

5. Barack Obama should TALK ALL OF THE SHIT
To paraphrase Taraji P. Henson at the Golden Globes, “we waited 228 years for this – y’all gon’ wait!”
Barack Obama was the first U.S. President of African descent, and it’s likely that he’ll be the last for some time (hopefully 200 years won’t have to pass before it happens again, though). When I think about all the criticism and frustration and hair follicles lost and greyed that my President had to endure over the years, it just makes me appreciate him more. He started out with a full head of hair and a fresh face, and the last eight years have weathered my President (his edge-up is ever on point, though).
So, tonight, my President deserves to pat himself on the back (especially if, Lord forbid, his successor is Donald Trump). He’s had everything but the kitchen sink thrown at him in the last eight years. They made it a “number one priority” to get him out of office, and he’s still here. We won’t get into how his citizenship was called into question while another current Presidential hopeful has been seemingly immune of such “birther” critiques (hi, Ted Cruz).
Honestly, Barack should call Michelle, Sasha, and Malia down with him to raise their fists in triumph like John Carlos and Tommie Smith did back in Mexico City at the end of his SOTU. I wouldn’t be mad if he did. He should start an Electric Slide on the floor, tbh. But if he doesn’t do that, he absolutely should gloat… or at least, drop the mic as he walks off stage.