And now for the greatest lawsuit you wish were fake (it is) but made to look true.

Apparently Heisman Trophy winning quarterback and new mayor of Cleveland (until Andrew Wiggins gets there) Johnny Manziel is being sued by a woman for sexual harassment because he kept calling her non-stop and sent her a mass amount of unwarranted “naked selfies”. And yes, by naked selfies we mean “d*ck pics”. Now, this isn’t Brett Favre sending his tiny dong to Jenn Sterger that wound up making Deadspin what it is today, oh no. It gets even more wacky and weird than that.



In case you don’t want to read through all of that leaglise, we’ll sum it up for you.

– Manziel celebrated Christmas Eve by putting his penis in a hot dog bun, InstaDMing it to the woman and saying the phrase, “ho ho ho.”
– He wanted a threesome with Dr. Drew.
– The length of his penis, which isn’t that legendary.
– Plenty of “you want me, Samantha,” thus making some person who wrote plenty of Her fan-fiction like 50 Shades Of Grey pissed off because they didn’t have a stud football playing character.
– A request for her to come to LeBron James’ “crip” (he meant crib) to “strip”) (WHICH IS ALSO SNITCHING IF YOU’RE INVITING HER TO LEBRON’S SPOT!)
– Him doing steroids and laying hands on anybody she talks to.
– A promise that he’ll use the money from his first NFL contract to get a penis enlargement and be her … “Long John Silver.”
– Skype sessions to show how easy it is to use drugs on the campus of Texas A&M.
– The “school does illegal things” (cheating on exams!) kind of quote you NEED in a sexual harassment lawsuit in order for it to really stick.
– Johnny doing steroids and threatening to beat up any guys Samantha talks to a la an after school special from the 80s.
– This actual quote: “Johnny Manziel refers to his penis as his Vienna Sausage and told me good things come from small packages.”
– Jadeveon Clowney’s penis comes up, frankly because Jadeveon Clowney has to be #1 in something besides getting picked by the Houston Texans.
– Another actual quote: “Seeing Manziel with his small penis caused me psychological emotional distress.”
– What Manziel prefers to watch on RedTube.

All in all, the story does have a bit of truth to it in a way since Manziel’s agent has even come out to speak on the matter. He’s not even the first high profile quarterback to even get an odd bizarre lawsuit written about him (once again, Blake Bortles beat him to it). Samantha Schacher is clearly an alias (she’s actually a real person who works on HLN), the address the lawsuit is being sent from is actually that of CNN and Manziel’s own juvenile humor and Samsung capabilities might cost him $25 million. Allegedly.