In 2006, I graduated high school. Seven years ago and a non-linear path later, I must admit I’m quite happy that me and Sallie Mae don’t happen to look at each other with the same disgust. Well, actually I take that back – we just act like a civil divorced couple who only show up for the kids sake to appear happy. She asks for money, the ex-college student ruefully pays her and the cycle continues. Broke Phi Broke indeed.

Today, the student loan giant who is the subject of 1/3rd of J.Cole’s material turns 40 and good Lord has she not been kind to some of our best and brightest. The President admitted before the nation that he had just finally finished paying his student loans and considering that he went to law school after graduating, we’re probably talking all that Audacity Of Hope money giving the old heifer a nice sized check.

In all my travels on this Earth from Austin to Atlanta, Grambling and beyond – I’ve never heard one person give a glowing review about Sallie Mae. It’s almost as if students these days stay in school just to avoid the woman coming knocking at their doors six months after graduation. It might not be enough to make you regret your degree choices or what you decided to do once you really obtained “higher” education, but take it for what it’s worth.

College, as much as they build it as a pillar of career advancement and growth is churning out graduates to a job market that isn’t hiring and the only thing those students know is that Sallie, her cousin Stafford and that entire Loan clan will be sneaking up behind them, cracking knuckles and looking more like this guy:


Than this guy when you first met her:


Look, just go ahead and smile at Sallie today and wish her a happy birthday. Or respond with enough photos and images of throwing feces at a wall so she can get the point. Either way, don’t regret your degrees or what you did in college staying up all night cramming, smoking, partying and enjoying your last bit of life before responsibility kicks in.

Damn you Sallie.