So it came to past on the first day of April, 2012 we would be talking about THIS BUSINESS and streaks and straight edge and matters of who needed to win between two of the biggest draws during their respective eras. Of course we’re talking about WrestleMania and one of the most top heavy cards the WWE has produced in years. With a main event that borders on split fandom, the undercard below that features a Hell In A Cell match between two guys who should be retired, a WWE title match with aspirations of Savage/Steamboat and a Vegan World Heavyweight Champion going up against a tall carton of milk.

Since the site’s inception we’ve dabbled in wrestling matters so leave it to Brando, BG & Jay Howard to breakdown all matches from bell to bell.

The Rock vs. John Cena “Once in A Lifetime” Match

Jay Howard: It really does hurt me to make this particular choice, especially seeing as how The Rock is easily amongst my Top 3 favorite wrestlers of all time. And, true, the build-up would suggest otherwise – having all but owned Cena in every promo, with the hometown hero momentum in his favor, and especially with record breaking designs in mind (if The Rock wins, he’ll have beaten one superstar from each of the last three generations at WrestleMania – Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and this generation’s star John Cena), Dwayne Johnson is a clear favorite. However, all signs point to “The Grandest Stage of Them All” being the prime opportunity for John Cena’s Bash at the Beach moment. In much the same way Bash at the Beach ’96 signaled a great betrayal and Hulk Hogan’s heel turn via the nWo, all signs point to WrestleMania being the stage that turns John Cena into a heel to increase his longevity and give his character some juice. I see Cena winning this one in a dirty fashion or, after The Rock wins, administering a vengeful F-U to become a villain. WINNER: John Cena

BG: The biggest match in WWE history. The only main event for WrestleMania that was made a year in advance. The Rock has returned from a 7 year hiatus, to once again rock the wrestling word. The Fruity Pebble Power Ranger, John Cena is the face of the WWE, there is no way he can lose to Dwayne at WrestleMania, if he does then what does WWE have left to offer? We all know that Rock is not going to come back to wrestling full time again, so they can put the company on his shoulder. So, reluctantly, Cena wins the biggest match in WrestleMania and wrestling history. WINNER: John Cena

Brando: Somewhere around the time Rock decided notes on his arm was needed and Cena turned Baptist preacher with jorts I became bored with this. Yes, a year’s worth of build up and the only new thing they added to it was Rock bringing up a fact that if he wins he’ll have a win over the three biggest draws of the past three generations at ‘Mania. Nice, but if you’re asking me who’s going to win, it’s Cena. The Rock died somewhere last year when he cut his comeback promo and Dwayne’s been here ever since. And then I can return to watching the John Cena Super Hulk Hogan Hour in tears of sadness. WINNER: JERRRNNNN CEENNNAAAA

End Of An Era: The Undertaker vs. Triple H, Hell in A Cell

Jay Howard: You have to wonder where Shawn Michaels, as Special Guest Referee, will come into play. Does he look out for his best friend Hunter and enable The Game to do what no man has done before, end the Deadman’s streak? Or, does Shawn realize how the glory that he was robbed of at WrestleMania might fall to Triple H and, in a fit of jealousy, enable Taker to win? My guess is the latter – that Shawn holds off on a three-count for Triple H that Undertaker will capitalize on, consequently allowing “the streak” to continue because he doesn’t want Hunter to be “that guy” (responsible for ending the Taker’s WrestleMania reign once and for all). We’d all like some DeGeneration-X reunion action that has both men attacking the Taker, only for him to chokeslam one and Tombstone the other, with another referee coming in to administer the count-out; but I don’t think that’ll happen. WINNER: Undertaker

BG: Taker versus Trips 3. Taker kicked his ass at WrestleMania X-7, and again last year at WrestleMania 27. I am predicted an Undertaker win SHOCKING! It will be a battle for sure, and probably the best Hell In A Cell match in recent memory, but they will let Taker retire with a 20-0 record at WrestleMania.

Brando: Two things cross my mind here. One, are we going to finally see the bald Undertaker they’ve been teasing for a month now? Two, is Shawn going to do the right thing and kick Taker dead in the jaw for talking greasy and then kick Hunter in the chin for actually believing Shawn wasn’t better than him and then strip off his ref shirt to reveal that cross, his tights and make this a three-way?

Oh, not gonna happen? Shit, I can dream and I’ll go with Bald Taker to win after somebody gets put through the Cell. Trust, it’s good for THIS BUSINESS if the Undertaker brand retires at 20-0. WINNER: Undertaker

WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho

Jay Howard: – I’ll admit: there was a time I loathed CM Punk (as in, questioned his purpose in the WWE period) and he really redeemed himself for me with his storyline that had him rebelling against management and “blasting” the industry’s secrets and ass-kissers. It was a refreshing, if painfully short-lived, boost for the WWE. As Punk is still young and Jericho not so much, I see the cards falling in favor of the self-proclaimed Best in the World. Jericho can have RAW, but he can’t have the title at WrestleMania. WINNER: CM Punk

BG: The only match that in recent memory has the build-up and two wrestler that are technically sound enough to compete with the epic that was the WrestleMania III match between Ricky Steamboat and Macho Man Randy Savage. I give it to Punk, and let Jericho rematch and take the strap at a later date. WINNER: CM Punk

Bando: Remember how awesome the Summer Of Punk was? Then Punk basically tried to play the Austin role against Johnny Ace’s McMahon and it didn’t play so well? Well, thankfully WWE Creative got smart and said, why not use one of those ROH storylines w/ Punk since they worked so well. Jericho playing up to his trolling of the universe when he came back with these straight-edge shots at Punk have been gold and adds a little spice to a wrestling match built upon the premise of “Best In The World”. On the silver anniversary of Savage/Steamboat, these two will tear Sun Life Stadium down with Punk retaining. WINNER: CM Punk

World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Sheamus

Jay Howard: I’m proud of Sheamus. He went from having some very lackluster storylines to working his way back up to the glory as a title contender. The problem is that Sheamus is facing Daniel Bryan – a kid who is the ideal face and certainly someone who has a great career ahead of him in the industry. Bryan triumphs over The Great White. WINNER: Daniel Bryan

BG: I know this will be a good wrestling match, but I honestly don’t care about it. Daniel Bryan annoys me to no extent, I really hope this match goes on first or second. Sheamus will win, as most Rumble winners do at Mania. WINNER: Sheamus

Brando: Awesome Vegan champion (that Gilmore despises for some reason) versus milk carton supreme. While we know there will be some sort of AJ shenanigans, I don’t see Vegan Dragon retaining his belt against the Royal Rumble winner. Sadly, that means the era of “YES! YES! YES” will be over. Until we get Punk/Bryan for real. WINNER: Sheamus

WWE Intercontinental Title: Cody Rhodes (c) vs. Big Show

Jay Howard: If the WWE wants me to take it seriously, then The Big Show will demolish Cody Rhodes with ease and it’ll be a hilariously short match resulting in Show becoming the new Intercontinental Champion. What will actually happen, more than likely, is Cody will win, still looking the ultimate douchebag but at least continuing his ascent up the ranks and further contributing to the Rhodes legacy in the WWE. WINNER: Cody Rhodes

BG: I like this match. Big Show does have an awful record at Mania and Cody did right by exploiting that. There is no reason for them to put the title on Show so I’ll give the victory to Cody, and this will finally put him over enough to get inside of the main event circle on upcoming pay-per-views. WINNER: Cody Rhodes

Brando: The Big Show WrestleMania Fail Powerpoints from Cody have been absolutely gold. Shame is, comeuppance usually comes at the biggest stage of them all. But we all know, Big Show can’t wear that damn icey IC title around his waist. WINNER: Big Show

Team Teddy (Santino Marella (captain), R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T) (with Hornswoggle) vs. Team Johnny (David Otunga (captain), Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre) (with Vickie Guerrero)

Jay Howard: Honestly, I’m mad at this attempt to make a Survivor Series match at WrestleMania.  That’s what Survivor Series is for, isn’t it? Anyway… the “anonymous Raw General Manager” should rear his head at some point during this match, but I’d like to see Team Teddy win. I prefer the good guys. I personally – though unrealistically – would like to see Santino bring home the W by hitting Mark Henry with The Cobra. Expect a highlight of the match to be The Miz & R. Truth confronting each other in the ring at some point. WINNER: Team Teddy

BG: Here’s another match on the card that just like the Money In The Bank matches, this is one of those where they try to squeeze as many wrestlers into one match as possible. The feud between Teddy Long and Johnny has been a waste of air time on Raw, do they still show SmackDown? But I still think this match will be an entertaining one, I’ll give it to Team Johnny, Ziggler or Miz will gain the victory over Santino for the win. WINNER: Team Johnny

Brando: Let me tell you something playa, this was supposed to be the Money In The Bank match until Wade Barrett got injured (he was supposed to win the briefcase, mind you). Looking at this from a smart standpoint – do you not see how STRUGGLE worthy Teddy’s team is? Big Johnny should come out, hit somebody with an Ace Crusher and then watch David Otunga pick up the victory. Also, is there any way we can get that WWE 12 storyline with Drew, Wade, Regal & Sheamus winning EVERY title Or even the War Games Hell In A Cell? WINNER: Team Johnny

Kane vs. Randy Orton

Jay Howard: Ah, yes, the battle of the former stars turned gimmick wrestlers. “New but not so improved” Kane and the unruly sideburns bearing Apex Predator Randy Orton. At the least, this match presents a chance for both wrestlers to remind us why we became fans of them in the first place – for being predatory, raw fighters. I’m not a fan of “new Kane” so I’m rolling with Randy Orton here. Plus, I just want to see the match finish with an angry RKO. WINNER: Randy Orton

BG: Randy Orton should be in a World Title match, but this will have to suffice for him this year. The unbelievably cheesy build-up of Kane’s new character has been worse than the Gobbley Gooker, but I still think this will be a good wrestling match, with the Viper hitting the RKO around the 11 minute mark and picking up the 1-2-3. WINNER: Randy Orton

Brando: Orton’s original WM plans? A triple threat with Sheamus and Bryan. Yet he gets stuck with this, which makes absolutely no got damn sense because after all – Kane wanted us to embrace the hate and instead embraced idiocy and chasing Eve Torres. RKO it. WINNER: Randy Orton

Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix & Eve

Jay Howard: I just want a boob or two to pop out. That’s all I ask. Seriously. But being more serious, the celebrity factor should favor Maria Menounos well, especially if she ends up pinning Women’s Champ Beth Phoenix. But seriously… let’s let a boob pop out. For sure, it’ll be good publicity for EXTRA. WINNER: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos

BG: Of course Vince has too scheme up another way to get a little extra publicity, last year, Snookie, this time around….Maria Menounos? Well at least Kelly Kelly will be there, makes me happier. I’ll give it to Kelly and Maria in less than 10 minutes. WINNER: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos

Brando: Jay Howard wishes for a titty, I wish for Kharma to come back and turn this into a one-on-one match with Beth Phoenix and make it the most interesting women’s match since Mickie James versus Trish. And even though there’s a tag title match on the internet, we get no Rosa Mendes. No Rosa equates to no fun for ANYONE! Dah well, we know what’s going to happen – celebrity wins with the powers of Women’s Rights or something. WINNER: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos

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