Unlike a few certain sections of the country, I didn’t get the chance to go to Rock The Bells, the touring circus of a who’s who of 80s and 90s hip-hop as well as some of the up and comers in the genre. I heard enough about it searching through the interwebs, especially with FlipCam footage being everywhere and people either rating the event a success or a disappointment.

While I would have loved watching Slick Rick make me want to do the wop and Snoop Dogg recreating the sights and sounds of one of my favorite LPs ever, I have a gripe (when don’t I) about RTB and the guest Noah seemingly part the Red Sea just to get to attend.

Lauryn Hill.

Yes boys and girls, I’m in the minority when it comes to wanting to see the oddly dubbed Ms. Hill perform. Twelve years of wishing and burning The Miseducation… will do that to you. Thing is, after watching those RTB performances and feeling a little empty from the “Repercussions” joint, I have no choice now. Which brings me to my overall point: there are 5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Want A Lauryn Hill Comeback Album.

1. She’s Literally Been So Far Gone

Let’s be honest folks, it’s been a decade plus a couple of failed Detox years before we got anything good from Lauryn. Did you hear the Unplugged album she dropped? No? Well I’ll give you the cliff notes for it. Awful. Turrible (c. Charles Barkley). The only saving grace from the disc happened to be the “Mystery of Inequity” that Kanye wound up sampling for “All Falls Down”. By being away so long, she’s turned into the female version of the Loch Ness. You’re aware of her existence, yet when she comes out you’re asking yourself – what the f*ck is that?!

2. Rock The Bells Was A Cash Grab

Here’s my question. If Lauryn Hill’s name still carries weight anymore, why would she decide to snatch some money from Guerrilla Union of all people? I get the fact that the touring company gouges every walking soul at those RTB concerts ($100 tickets for an all day event, $20 parking, terrible security & all food and drink purchases must be made with a GU card, no Rush card). The splash would have been much bigger had she come out during the VMAs or something this Sunday as opposed to let’s say…Black Entertainment Television. Instead, she opted for the high school reunion. No shots to anybody else on the bill but really, the thing that really pulled people in was whether or not Lauryn was going to be there.

[vodpod id=Video.4367854&w=510&h=382&fv=]

3. She Won’t Fill That Missing Female Rapper Quota

After watching that fluff piece that was My Mic Sounds Nice: A Truth About Women & Hip-Hop, everybody and their mother called for Nicki Minaj’s head undeservedly while wishing Lauryn would come back. By the little things she does, she obviously doesn’t want to get into battle mode or even question why “Lost Ones” was such an important record. Hell, the interview with Toure (up top) could have taught you something. She’s far and far beyond being a rapper and now wants to cover Burt Bacharach songs with Ronald Isley. I get she wants to comeback but when’s the last time in the past decade you heard a Lauryn Hill track that wasn’t on a Fugees album or Miseducation and thought damn she’s still got it?

4. Childbearing Sucked Out Her Creative Juices

Obviously getting married & having Zion was a great moment for her. Four more kids but even according to People Magazine, her youngest daughter doesn’t even have a name. Yes, it’s just Baby Marley at the moment. We get that Rohan Marley should play a more inspirational role in his wife’s life. After all, his brother Damian successfully got to reinvigorate Nas as Kelis took everything except Destiny from him. Somewhere the stereotype that having multiple children derails your aspirations is laughing like “I told you so”.

5. She’s A Straight Up, Diva

18 million albums sold from a solo will do that do you but trust me, it’s better if she keeps up the streak of not releasing a solo LP. I mean, who else could get away with calling themselves Ms. Hill knowing full well they’re a mother of a NBA starting lineup and dresses like this:

Yeah, I rest my case.