We’re losing.*

Nope, this is going way beyond losing a Step Competition and even some beauty pageants. It’s also a little worse than knowing the side of the fence that caused the majority of the bad moments in Black History know it a hell of a lot better than we actually do.

All the things we hold tried and true, basketball, R&B songs, sororities and even mixed drinks have come under fire in the last few years and dammit, if we are to ever feel good and right about ourselves and start playing “Before I Let Go” by Frankie Beverly & Maze to kick off any real black celebration – then we had better start marching and protecting these cherished events before they become integrated like the White House did last January. Since they’ve decided to go after the following: stepping, dancing, hip-hop, soul music, Paula Patton, giving kids fucked up names, having their “club” records played at our clubs, reality TV stupidity & some more shit I can’t think of at the moment,  I’ll give you the main ones.

All props due to the VSBs for giving me the inspiration to add to their thesis.

Kool-Aid

The moment you start seeing our favorite mixture of color, sugar and water on a menu at a non-black eatery (I’ve been places where it actually is for goodness sakes they just call it “Juice”) – we should be in fear. Fact is, we’ve let our non-pigmented friends come over for drinks, taught them how to handle their liquor (and fail) and how to somehow keep three seconds of rhythm whenever a song comes on. Kool-Aid is sacred. Yes, sacred. We pass the rules down to our children and their children how to properly mix so nobody overdoses on too much sugar but it’s sweet enough that you keep coming back for more. Not on my watch are they stealing this like they took that Sprite Step Off competition.

Spades

Yep, that is a minority game. But let it be some group of kids at a college in Utah not on a sports scholarship who are currently high as all hell and find themselves watching some Celebrity Spades Tournament on YouTube thinking “Hey, we can do that shit too”. Next thing you know the Danny Tanner Boys will break through and beat every family team up at Spades and then the shit will blow up on ESPN and somehow work its way into becoming an Olympic sport along with pole dancing. I’m saying this is my best 300 impersonation: This – must not pass.

Overtaking Jordans As The #1 Hood Shoe

Somewhere in America, there is a kid in a small hood balling his ass off, honing his skills like Jesus Shuttlesworth did in He Got Game. Hell, he might be in Brooklyn of all places but guess what? He isn’t a minority. Nope, got game like Steve Nash and is about to give millions of kids hope that they can do it too. The moment that one baller grows to absurd heights and overtakes Larry Bird as the Greatest Non-Dunker To Ever Do It, he will have a shoe deal. Be afraid if you start hearing dudes scream did you get them Scotty Fliess sixes on Christmas morning.

Hyping Everest College

Wait, he’s soon to lose his spot to somebody, I’m damn certain. Obviously if he claims he went – isn’t he supposed to be doing shit besides promoting the damn college?

The Myth

Wait, this ain’t changin’ no time soon – because you’ve never seen a brother in an Extenze commercial.

I know there’s something I’m missing but a brother has to get up and go to work tomorrow before enjoying some Karaoke. I’m sure any one of my readers has something to chime in with. Feel free.

* we’ve actually made strides at a lot of things. This is merely for jokes and laughs.