Benchwarmers: When The Sideline Isn’t Enough

January 4, 2010 in Guest Blogs

Not exactly a battle of the sexes but more of a collaboration of them. Here’s how this came about. Saturday night after coming back from the festivities L-Boogie threw, The Egyptian One hits me up telling me she’s been writing a piece on being on the “Sideline”: basically why people are made to be boyfriend/girlfriend #2s and what actions do you make to either quit the team or be promoted to a starting role. We fleshed it out a little Sunday and today and came up with this product. Hopefully it’ll draw some discussion here and there.

The Egyptian One

Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl talk. Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy. Only problem with that scenario is that Boy already has a Girlfriend. So what does Girl do? She should stop talking to him, right? I mean, Boy is in a relationship; that would be the smart thing to do. But Girl really, really likes Boy. So, she continues to talk to Boy. She puts herself in the position to be the Sideline. She accepts that she is #2 in his life. She is there for Boy when he needs her. She comes over, but only on invitation. She was quiet when Girlfriend called. She kept it cordial when she saw Boy and Girlfriend in public. She understood her role and stayed within those boundaries.

So what happens when Girl decides to break out of those boundaries? What does she do when she realizes she has strong feelings for Boy, strong enough to be in a relationship with him, but can’t because that position is already filled?

Girl has 2 options:

1) Girl could stop talking to Boy, finally realizing that being Sideline isn’t where she deserves to be. Girl could try to fight her feelings for Boy and refuse to be his #2, and realize that Monica was talking about her when she made “Sideline Ho.” She could chalk it up as a loss, and move on.

2) Girl could do nothing, and continue to be his Sideline, and listen to Whitney Houston’s “Saving All My Love For You.” She could continue to be there for Boy, knowing that he’s with Girlfriend when he doesn’t text her back. She could continue to accept her position regardless of her feelings and just be happy that she’s in Boy’s life somehow.

b[J]c

Ah, to be in like and also in denial. If somebody has to wonder where do all love triangles form, it would have to be around the mindset of the boy or girl who can’t seem to make up their mind on who they want and or be committed to.

Otherwise known as the great hoping … and wishing … and praying thesis.

Example: I had a friend back in HS who I really cool with, so much so that I actually wanted to date and be with her and solely her. Only problem was, she had a boyfriend who was and still might be to this day, a total and complete bitch. Around senior year, she finally breaks up with him even with me on the side hoping … and wishing … and praying that it would happen sooner so that I could fill that void and be the man she needed. I mean, dates, talking all day and night whenever we could and then when I finally made that decision to even ask, how about me and you, I got prompty shut down.

Now, me and the girl are still cool to this day (oddly enough) because I didn’t want to erase the previous friendship I had just for my hoping … and wishing … and praying that things would be different. Mind you this was around the time I yearned for a relationship. So, as a former member of that infamous “Sideline” club – you have to wonder what exactly are our options and aside from the aforementioned “stick around or leave” move. Well, there’s always that hoping … and wishing … and praying that the couple breaks up because you can no longer deal with just being boyfriend/girlfriend #2 which would be the smoothest transition as you’ve been on the side doing all of the boyfriend duties and just have to claim that official title.

Roughest transition? Forcing it.

But the mind-state of being on the sideline comes with all the previous titles people have used before: “friend with benefits”, “untitled relationship”, “splackavellie” in that there are no emotions strung along, it’s simply physical. As much as you want to believe, only few people can pull off the emotionless relationship because once joint A finds itself matriculating inside of slot B, all bets can be called off. So when your emotions come a calling, you should be better prepared to deal with everything that comes your way, including rejection and or vindication.

But that’s the nature of the beast really. the way relationships are these days, I wouldn’t be surprised if both parties had a sideline just in case the relationship doesn’t work out. like you’re putting a person on lease or something.

But the question no one really questions is this, why am I even on the sideline to begin with?

The Egyptian One

It’s funny that relationships are so void of commitment these days. It used to be that being in a relationship meant that both parties agreed to be solely committed to each other, with no outsiders involved. Now everywhere you go, people are in relationships and talking to other people. Physical and emotional cheating, the latter being worse, is a constant battle in society today.

And the “other people involved” usually are involved due to their feelings. If someone allows themselves to be the #2, usually it’s because they have real feelings for the person. You can’t help who you have feelings for, but you can help how you’re treated by that person.

Regardless, whether you’re the Sideline, the Boy or the Girlfriend in this situation, in all cases, people get hurt. Trust is lost, and even if Boy and Girlfriend don’t break up, the scar of that pain will always be there. And Sideline, no matter how hard she tries will most likely never get upgraded to Girlfriend.

But remember, “Even if you were moved #2 to #1, just remember the #2 position is open again!!”