The Art of Being Whipped
Whipped.
Bending over backwards, removing your friends, simpin’ to the highest degree whipped. Dick whipped. Pussy whipped, hell even titty and ass whipped. It’s possibly the biggest epidemic going on in relationships unseen or heard since Puffy declared bitchassness be a National Black Issue.
For the most part, all of the whipped stage usually occurs within the first few months of attempting to get with someone. Thing is, some folks don’t realize when they are getting their ass wore out worse than Penny from Good Times. Here, the valuable b[J]c aka Brando shall inform you of your whipped conditions. Swallow your pride at the door.
When you speak of them like a character in a romance novel instead of treating them like the regular ass person they are. After all, you’ve seen recently with Tiger “King of the Snow Bunnies” Woods how you can fall from grace. The minute you begin hyping somebody up like the highest of the high – stop, think about it.
Their ringtone is the current R&B slow jam a week after you first meet … then you’ve got some splainin’ to do. Put it like this, I will never and I mean NEVER give a female acquaintance of mine “If It Isn’t Love” by New Edition for a ringtone. No dude really wants to hear “Pregnant” the moment you call them (for obvious reasons) and no woman would want to hear “Becky” when her name pops up on the caller ID. Speaking of phones…
Playing the “you hang up first” game should have you put back in middle school where fighting over locker space and love notes were the topics of the lunchroom. No person in their right mind anywhere from 14 to infinity should be considering who goes to sleep first between the both of you. And if you do, you deserve a wack to the back of your ankles not only for f*ckin’ up sleep schedules but wasting minutes that could be used for ACTUAL conversation.
Focusing more time on their hygiene than yours happens to be a problem. Not only for them because you’re sweating them like Beyonce does lacefronts, but because you gave up on your star player and began scouting somebody else’s then we’ve got issues.
Cause you’ve seen them semi-quasi-sorta-that might be a nipple cause I’m droolin’ naked only once or twice and even then it was just for a brief peak because they had the niceness just to even give you a hint. Believe me, there’s more to the book than the cover you decided to take the cover.
Dragging them to see a crappy ass movie and by crappy, we’re talking of the “Alvin & The Chipmunks” variety not “Twilight” or anything because I’ve come to figure out “Twilight” is just one of those new social norms you have to deal with, regardless.
Changing your lifestyle because of theirs let’s just say this – if you fall for a hoe, you aren’t gonna change that hoe. I mean, what person changes that much for the sake of another? Oh wait…
Fellas: When you announce to her that”Waiting to Exhale” is your fav. movie then take a pass to “Emasculating Black Films Starring Samuel L. Jackson” and sit yo dumb ass down in there.
Women: When you announce to him that you love Kobe Bryant, when you hate his ass to death then please, quit fakin’ the funk.
Asking your friends what should you text them it’s okay to be indecisive when you’re trying to decide on who to date. But asking your main pals what should you tell somebody you like? Here’s something easy: hi and how are you. Easiest start you’ll ever have.
Fellas: Paintin’ toe nails and braiding her hair are not only down right bitchmade, they’re easy misconstrued. Do you want to date her or be her hairdresser who she can gossip to but never let hit because your business would be everywhere?
When you disregard the obvious warning signs of the past such as drama, baby mama drama, kryptonite drama, Wal-Mart drama, Kanye West interrupting your life drama and to an extent – nut-huggers.
Brando
EIC of Day & A Dream, Brando has written for such publications as DJ Booth, Refined Hype & the Houston Press. Wrestling enthusiast, sneaker addict, sports junkie and certified cake eater. Follow him on Twitter: @_brandoc
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