home-alone

There’s enough reasons for people to be scared of things and a lot of people wanted to know what a man would be scared of and well – here I am to frankly explain that there are some weird, wild and crazy situations that most men, if not all men fear.

Grab your popcorn, you’re about to delve into male psyche.

1. Commitment … To The Wrong Person

I know, I know, you can generalize this one to fit women as well because frankly nobody really wants to go through trials and tribulations with someone only to find out that they’re completely psychotic in the long run.

You might introduce them to your parents, go out with their friends and your friends and then for some strange reason – weird shit keeps happening. Like a baby momma/daddy comes out of the woodworks, their bond/jail record seems longer than their time sheet at work, the moon always seems to get a little full and random P.I.A.M1 starts to play whenever they seem to get upset. The majority of men get pegged for the “unfaithful” tag (which I’ll explain later) in relationships and are asked to change more than women because frankly, we bend and break just to sometimes make the unworkable relationship well … work.

And if we marry that crazy bish? Divorce & child support will eat us alive!

2. The Tommy from Martin Rule

No male wants their lifetime stat sheet to have nothing but zeroes on it. I doubt anybody would want to travel through life and keep getting asked what did you do and you have to make something up.

Meanwhile, that aggin from Accounting twelve years ago done bumped up to near Presidential levels and pops his head in with a fact book and screams, “You ain’t did sheeeeeiiiiiit!” So that’s why its called the “Tommy from Martin” rule because you don’t want to be known for never having a job – or to never even appear as if you even exist on Planet Earth.

3. Having A Meg

I think the son portion would be easier to deal with, although you’d probably have to curtail all those “extracurricular” activities in the basement and you keep asking why smoke keeps coming down from there. Face it, with an ugly son you aren’t going to get that weird call from a parent telling you that their son was currently playing horizontal Slip N’ Slide with their daughter.

And a Meg? Do you see how dirty the family does that child on Family Guy? If you can’t make the Superfriends Intro (Hell, Aquaman made it and he was probably the LAMEST Superfriend out – word to the Wonder Twins) then what else can you do in life?

Or you could have the anti-thesis to that…

4. Having A Topanga

Because right around 14, those boobs started coming in and fathers across the county started shrieking in fear knowing full well that boys from all over would begin to start knocking on the door. Believe me, we don’t want to kill anybody for some dumb shit but…

4a. Catching “Topanga” In The Act

If we have to shoot a little aggin because our daughter was dumb enough to let him get some, then we must. We’re giving a warning shot and repressing her sexual desire until she turns twenty because 13-17 are prime virginity losing years – and not on my watch is that going down!

Unless she’s a Meg because that’s just a confidence booster then.

5. Hearing That We’re Not Your Personal Mandingo

You ever wanted to know how to break a man up mentally when it comes to sex (since we’re all braggarts and know damn well that we feel we’re the shit when it comes to hitting that ass)? Here you go – show him a tape of Mandingo2 and proclaim to him that you’d want that every day of your life as opposed to his no length/no width having ass.

Believe me, all of the hating men in the world will come out in drove simply because we told our friends that after you two broke up, she found a guy who could actually satisfy her in bed and got the ether text – “He’s bigger and way fucking better that you ever were!”

Or Justin Slayer3.

6. Getting Pulled Over/Going to Jail

If I ever hear a story of a police officer being more afraid than the person he is pulling over then I’m sorry but he’s going against all the law enforcement logic I remember from Menace to Society and Boyz In The Hood. All I have to remember is what happened to Tre and the infamous, “You think you tough!” line from the cop.

As a man, hell as a human being I have a natural fear of looking in my rearview mirror and seeing that T shaped beacon on the top of any Charger or Crown Victoria. Does it mean I’m naturally guilty at anything while on the road? No, but you can’t tell me any damn different because even if I follow the law – I can still find my black ass in jail and fear becoming the “Toss Salad Man”.

7. Getting a B.D.R.

The debut of one of my many acronyms for life comes in the form of something I’d like to call – The Bad Dick Report. It’s pretty self explanatory but as a man, we fear that if we don’t put it down on a chick just once whether it’s oral or straight fucking that we’re left to ask those annoying questions.

She’ll have the most scrunched up look on her face and we will ask you, “How was it?” I appreciate you ladies for lying to our faces when you know damn well you were thinking about what Tyrone was doing because he’d lay a spit shine to your lovebox and keep you so tired that you’d call into work and if your main girlfriend from work picked up the phone you’d tell her “I got some good ass dick!”

But a B.D.R.? That shit shames all men because that report goes out to all women when we don’t even realize it (because they pass your report around like a flyer). You thought hearing somebody tell you that you couldn’t do something because of your credit was bad? Try being a man and then set everything up with a woman that just before you enter inside and begin to enjoy her wetness – boom, she pulls out that text message from her homegirl that you smashed and reads your crimes against the punani.

“Ya done son!”

8. Morgan Freeman Narrating A Bad Moment

Alright, it’s not like Mr. Freeman can narrate you coming through in the clutch at work or in the bedroom (because the latter would be awkward as shit) but something just freaks me out about having a bad moment in my life and then somehow – Morgan Freeman is there to speak on it and makes it even worse because that aggin is a narrator for life.

Hell, he could make penguins feel bad for me and those things are awesome!

9. Being “Robin” As Opposed to Batman

Nobody wants to be a lifelong sidekick. At least we’re not talking about being Aqualad here. Remember folks, Robin didn’t break free until his teens and you saw what happened when Kobe wanted to get from underneath Shaq’s tits and all the wild shit he had to do just to have it happen.

10. Being Neutered In Front of Your Girlfriend

Ask Jon whenever Kate was around, or Doug Christie or any other man who looked more like the woman in his relationship. Every man wants to look like a knight in shining armor whenever around his girlfriend but as soon as one strange moment happens with another person and your girlfriend has to step up and save your ass – it’s a wrap. I’m sorry but I’ll defend my damn self.

11. Getting The Side Chick Pregnant

Scary thought (yes, I had a Maury moment) frankly because there is a reason why you’ve made that side chick, well a side chick. Works the same way for women because they don’t want to be pregnant by the side dick dude. I’m sorry but some side chicks carry that irreversible chemical in them which makes them never attain “main girlfriend” status. Which makes you wonder – why waste the money on condoms gentlemen if you don’t even use them? And why the hell hasn’t Trojan made a “run-flat” condom yet to prevent that shit even more?

12. “Unfaithful”

I don’t want to hear a damn thing about Rihanna in my lifetime because if you’re in a happy relationship and everything is going good – you know your heart is going to break in nine different pieces if you find out that she’s cheating on you.

Now women, you have that natural “He’s gonna cheat” mentality in your head regardless. Hell, you could be eating breakfast right now while reading this and look at him in the eye and wonder if he’s sleeping around on you. Frankly, Chris Rock was right – if you haven’t thought about killing somebody – you haven’t been in love.

And if you hear about your girlfriend creeping around on you, then it’s simple you’re going to go through the twelve steps of recovery – and admitting it is the hardest part. I’ll be damned if a few dudes haven’t found themselves singing “Burn” by Usher in the middle of the street thanks to that other dude breaking up their happy home.

So faithful readers, viewers, aggins who are only hear for the NSFW posts – anything I miss?

Footnotes

[1] Perfectly Ignorant Ass Music – i.e. anything that a basic person would dance to, even if it’s the most degrading shit in the world. Examples of this would be any current song with a dance attached to it or Wacka Flocka Flame, OJ Da Juiceman & Gucci Mane.

[2] Mandingo is a black porn star that reportedly has the biggest penis in porn at about thirteen inches or so and I can attest to Mandingo having a woman tripped out thanks to my sophomore year in college and showing freshmen girls who Mandingo was.

[3] Slayer, probably the most put it down and wear it out dude in Porn. Yes, women would fuck with that sunglasses and Timbs boot wearing aggin over your ass. I’m serious.