Second biggest night in music vs. Brandon’s typical asshole writing and lambasting of celebrities with whom he’ll probably never attain to – unless they make a Head Detective movie. By the way, that’s Jeezy coming in last year. Let’s GO!


First time I’ve actually done this, let’s see how it goes. We’re coming to you LIVE from my house with no HD since my Dad has decided to take over and watch the Packers game on the big TV.

7:40 – Coming up with the last twenty minutes (I’ve already missed Lady GaGa wearing something from three garage sales) we’ve got Cobra Starship hopping off one of those double decker buses with the girl wearing the lower sign of a barbershop sign for a dress and props to Taylor Swift of all folks, hmm.

7:42 – Fame music video. I’ve seen the original, I had a feeling that they had to update the damn thing but who thought that four years ago, the black chick from the original 3LW would have more shine than the other two who wound up being Disney leftovers? Cheetah Girls don’t get you MTV people (nor do they give you getting smashed out by Biggie in a movie either). Interesting.

7:44 – Holy crap! Jennifer Lopez found a dress that matches that super bronze skin of hers and Jermaine Jackson is wearing something out of his brother’s closet. This Michael Jackson “This Is It” trailer is going to piss me off – not because it’s a ploy to make some money but it’s a reach for something to go into Joe’s pockets. BTW, who is that in the background just CURSING their ass off behind Fefe Dobson? Oh I forgot, Wale who’s tonight’s house band. YES!

7:46 – Fefe Dobson was Rhianna way before Rhianna gained this new sense of style. Remember how she looked in Pon De Replay? Yeah. Style JACK.

7:47 – They have a segment dedicated just to Twitter? Get the fuck out of here. I thought Facebook would get some shine but no, we’re talking MTV here.

7:48 – Twilight. Shall piss me off (still has considereing the fuckery that went down at the Movie Awards. Seriously, people thought THAT was better than The Dark Knight. Thank God those who probably voted aren’t old enough to vote for President).

7:50 – Giant moonman sighting. I wonder if Sasha Cohen dry humps it.

7:51 – J.Lo, who hasn’t been relevant since she said the “N-Word” is presenting. And she has an album coming out (which I wouldn’t have known about if she didn’t say it).

7:52 – Fuck me blind, Joe Jackson is here. And the interviewer is hype as hell over Joe fucking Jackson. Not to mention Amber Rose’s drink of choice. You really have to have a higher level of annoying than anyone else to work for Viacom, don’t you?

7:55 – Good grief Beyonce is wearing that damn dress. And damn did her bodyguard have to almost shut shit down as usual? I mean, I don’t think you can try to shut something down when EVERYBODY is taking pictures.

7:56 – Something tells me Lady GaGa is going to win all of her awards. Yes, I just rooted for Beyonce to win something outside of a BET Award. Shocking.

7:58 – Wow, didn’t know you could get an “also” award for making a video. Way to half ass it there MTV. Winner: Beastie Boys for Sabotage. At least a great video won.

7:59 – Damn, I need that Moonman to kick that Brit in the face and reveal to be Russell Brand. Purity rings can bow the fuck down. Speaking of the Brit, I think he just called Michael the Greatest Singer of All-Time. Well, at least his props are in order.

Main Show:

8:00 – Madonna to open the tribute? Can’t say I wasn’t expecting it. But her giving a “so did I” speech doesn’t make things feel the same. And way to go Buzz Killington by comparing yourself to Michael and saying “when I was six…my mom died”. I was waiting for Ron Simmons to pop out and tell her DAMN!

Boys fell in love with him (c. Madonna)

"Boys fell in love with him" (c. Madonna)

8:02 – Puffy sighting. Wait, isn’t saying “Boys fell in love with Michael” a little…um, not exactly the right thing to say? Oh, this is what she wanted to say at the eulogy. Alicia Keys looking scrumptious! Jesus, this is slightly uncomfortable and this is coming from a guy who didn’t really care she kissed Britney Spears or danced around in a wedding dress.

8:05 – I knew she was going to make this slightly political. Like where were you to help? Well, I’ll appreciate one thing with Madonna – she did keep her sense of “give a fuckness” about everything she does. Fitting she tells us to Long Live the King. Good speech.

8:07 – Taking it back to 1984 on ya’ll asses! Oh snap, this may creep me out. Enough for my father to say, “They’ve got a white boy doing Thriller!” It’s like seven different versions of Mike being represented up there and dear God none of them have the moves like him. I need Chris Brown in my life. This looks like a terrible ABDC rendition.

8:09 – MTV tie-in. Only thing that would make this weird is the Jabbawockz coming through to do Michael. Knowing MTV, they’ll find a way. And that one dude ALMOST fucked up the lean.

8:10 – Get it Janet. Scream was the HIStory joint that I loved, even though the damn “You Are Not Alone” song got played non-stop. Dang, home girls face was into it.

8:12 – Wow, her doing the move step for step in the video. NASTY. And with one move – MTV just shitted on their little black stepbrother yet again.

8:14 – Katy Perry, I know Freddie Mercury, Queen was the shit. You are no Queen. Oh wait, it’s Russell Brand getting a Wrestlemania like entrance. Please don’t make a “my hair caught on fire joke”. Please Russell. “Some queer,” according to my dad. Holy crap those are some tight pants, probably the origin of skinny jeans there.

8:16 – *Sigh of relief* Keep it classy. Yes, girlish scream for the guy from Twilight. Taking shots at Jay and in the name of cockney accents. Shot of GaGa and now I agree with everyone else – THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?! Don’t worry Russell, I’m sure a lot of us had thought about it with her.

8:20 – Wait … what was that? A health-care reform call?! Oh snap!

8:21 – Wale has now made me want the Attention Deficit album even more. Third erection joke of the night from Brand which leads to my dad saying dryly, “This dude isn’t funny!”

8:23 – Shakira presenting female video. Nominees are GaGa for Poker Face, Kelly Clarkson for My Life Would Suck, Beyonce for Single Ladies, Taylor Swift for You Belong With Me, Katy Perry for Hot N Cold & P!nk for So What. Speaking of P!nk, was the exclamation point necessary? Winner: Taylor Swift. Holy crap what an upset.

8:24 – “That’s a white looking Shakira!” – Alma. Hips do lie indeed. Wait a fucking minute. NO! Kanye doing it again!?!?!?!

Introducing the most hated man at the VMAs.

Introducing the most hated man at the VMAs.

8:25 – Having your award moment ruined by Kanye West is a little too fucking much. Hilarious as it is but damn, way to ride for your home girl though ‘Ye. Shocking enough that it wasn’t an award you thought you should have won. Or was it? Folks on Facebook are going agape at ‘Ye’s actions. You aren’t going to boycott because you’re going to forget this even happened in about a week.

8:26 – Tracey Morgan calling Eminem, didn’t know they were step-brothers. Also, Lady Gaga is going to cake walk with this Best New Artist, there’s no way Drake wins this. By the way, didn’t know Wale could take off his fitted. Just thought it always stayed there like mine usually do. Waynehead’s accessory!

8:33 – The hell is going on with Russell’s attire? Tight pants, tight vest. I know so many little hipsters are going to be working this outfit come tomorrow.

8:34 – Jack Black really wants to sell this damn Brutal Legend game. Apparently he wants to pray to the devil. Best Rock Video noms. Coldplay for “Viva la Vida”, Fall Out Boy for “I Don’t Care”, Green Day for “21 Guns”, Kings of Leon for “Use Somebody”, Paramore for “Decode”. Winner: Green Day. No shock since Viva’s been out for almost forever. Pete looks pissed off, but he lost to a better band. Cheer up. Billy Joel: “MTV play more videos!” – Damn straight.

8:38 – Justin Beiber and Miranda Cosgrove? I swear to God there’s a Viacom reference in here. Taylor Swift performance – and now I’ll take my first bathroom break. Wait, she just took off the trench coat. Give me a second.

8:42 – And I’m back. So apparently it was a pretty good performance. Uh oh, GaGa performance coming up. Oh shit. I’m going for an over/under of 9 Rhapsody commercials and MTV adverts. Also, Jordin Sparks can get it. Yes. Get. It.

8:43 – “My name is Stanley, spelled with a C.” LMAO. Couples Retreat looks to be fun. Big up to Faizon Love!

8:47 – 3!Oh!3 tells us to don’t trust a ho. Take notes folks. Pete Wentz here to promote Gabe Saporta. And they get rushed off the stage by breaking glass. You know, I’d expect something from BET for fuck ups but MTV does them and makes them work. Hmm.

I thought itd be Tiny snuggled up with Kermit. Oh well.

I thought it'd be Tiny snuggled up with Kermit. Oh well.

8:48 – 21st century Madonna on stage now. Who knew former strippers would have voice’s like opera singers. Tipping goes a long way I suppose. Also, she has some SERIOUS ass back there. Russell’s looking for a little junk in the front, but no dice. She’s no Caster Semenya for sure. Wait, strippers in wheelchairs? I thought that only happened at the REALLY bad hole in the walls.

8:51 – She really is playing the piano when her legs wide open. Wait, she’s really going for it with the blood effect. I was DEAD ON with the 21st Century Madonna nickname. The Girl Who Cried Blood should be whupping her ass right now.

8:53 – Coldplay goes Go-Go, thanks to Wale.

8:57 – Jennifer’s Body is going to suck, not because we’re talking Megan Fox doing something other than Transformers. We’re talking the half grown teenagers who are going to see puberty flash before their eyes when they see her almost do a lesbo scene.

8:59 – Eminem as a trainer for Tracy Morgan. I think I saw more breasts in that one spot than the entire Lady GaGa set. I must say, for Eminem to stop dying his hair, must have took some serious drugs to keep him away from the peroxide bottle. Oh wait.

9:00 – Russell Brand advocates date rape in Megan Fox’s case. Weird. By the way, who gave Sean Kingston a ticket? Wow, a Lil’ Wayne baby mama joke. Congrats to Lauren London for giving birth to the child.

9:02 – The hell is that sizzling in the background? Anyway, Pop Video time. Beyonce for Single Ladies, GaGa for Poker Face, Britney Spears for Womanizer, Cobra Starship for Good Girls Go Bad, Wisin Y Yandel for Abusandora. Wait, Wisin Y Yadel?! Wnner: Britney Spears. Also, Nelly Furtado has some kick ass Spanish.

9:04 – So yes, I was waiting for a Kanye appearance there. Wait, Adam Brody is in Jennifer’s Body? Damn homie, in high school you were the man homie! Green Day performance, thank God for good rock music.

9:07 – Facebook status of the night so far: White People – 2, Beyonce – 0. Whattup Sam!

9:08 – Sick guitar solo. Is Billy doing the slight wave? And does that woman have on drawls under that dress? I hope so. And you thought that crowd at the BET Awards were terrible. At least these folks are calm about being on national television. Until he drops that beat.

9:10 – Good news, Beyonce won an award! Bad news? It wasn’t even aired on television. Best choreography.

9:12 – Wait, didn’t already make a Stepfather movie? And why is the guy from Nip/Tuck playing the role?!

9:15 – Noooooo. Are they REALLY ADVOCATING MAKING IT RAIN AT TACO BELL?!?!? Didn’t know you needed to do that damn much for a Gordita.

9:16 – Pitbull making an appearance. Speaking of Twilight, fucking New Moon trailer now. Ugh.

9:19 – Ne-Yo. At least he knew better than to try and take his hat off in front of these white folks. Off cue like a motherfucker. Speaking of which, why does the beginning of the Beyonce video look somewhat (green lighting) like the damn Rock With You video?

9:20 – Okay, one she has the tannest legs I’ve ever seen. Two, those cakes are back on point. Twerking her ass off. Which brings the Ava Maria choice from the BET Awards back into discussion. Hmm, guess they didn’t get the gay guy this year.

9:22 – Oh snap, I think nine black boys have given themselves orgasms. By the way, that outfit just screams “Thank God I’m not on my period tonight”. And that white woman for DAMN sure can’t sing. No, not the independent woman shit tonight. Please don’t give these white women something to do – you remember Oh No She Didn’t! also known as Obsessed.

9:25 – Solange? Getting airtime? Wow, Mr. Knowles must have killed someone at MTV.

9:28 – Uh oh, the Kanye bashing begins. Best Male video here. Eminem for We Made You, Jay-Z for D.O.A., T.I. for Live Your Life, Kanye West for Love Lockdown, Ne-Yo for Miss Independent. Winner: T.I. Probably the best video of the bunch and you know damn well Kanye would have gone nuts. I think I would have wanted that to happen. Muse right now about to perform and according to MTV, “the biggest thing you’ll be talking about tomorrow”.

9:34 – By the way, Gerald Butler is still pimping 300, damn. Muse peforms THAT song? Well damn, thank you MTV for educating me about a good new band yet again. Something BET damn sure doesn’t do.

9:39 – What the hell? Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper?! With a cameo BY Cyndi Lauper. Was that a tear Em? Aww, you go a little weak for 80s Pop songs. Best Hip-Hop award and Flo Rida is nominated? Seriously? Flo Rida?!

9:47 – I take that back. The lead singer from the All-American Rejects just stole the gayest outfit award from Lady Gaga’s backup dancers. Here’s Jennifer again and is that a 50 Cent track in the background? Hmm. Em, *cringes* Flo Rida, Kanye West, Jay-Z & Asher Roth nominated here. I need a Kanye win. For the sake of the awards I need a Kanye win! Wait, nevermind – apparently they asked him to leave. DAMN! Also, “he” kind of posts on his blog. Although I’m kind of certain that its his ghost blogger and he wouldn’t run to the computer while knee deep in Amber Rose right now.

9:49 Winner: Eminem. His little cousin Asher is smiling. ‘Ye must no longer be in the building. What a shame. Kind of happy that Em can wear something more than some Nikes. Tribute to DJ Am with Cudi & Wale doing “Make Her Say”. Cudi’s album is pretty nice if you’re into emo rap. Speaking of which Jay-Z rolling through New York like a fucking boss right now, waiting on THAT performance.

9:53 – Michael Moore asking white people where is our money. I find it funny he made a citizen’s arrest on AIG. Tila Tequilia tried that a week ago, charges got DROPPPED.

9:56 – You can’t fool me Spike Jonze, I know a Neverending Story remake when I see it. Back to Russell. You know who I miss? Dave Chappelle. Eminem and Tracy to drop off Best New Artist, which I’m easily going to assume Gaga wins. By the way, Asher digs the chocolate swirl? Noice.

9:58 – Winner: Lady Gaga. Wait, THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING AGAIN?! I see the thong in the back but dear God if that isn’t the weirdest damn thing I’ve ever seen in the last 45 minutes. How bold, “This is for God and the Gays.”

10:00 – Speaking of spazzing out, here’s Serena. If you haven’t seen her get pissed off last night at the U.S. Open then you need to notice something. Holy crap, she even made reference to it! Wait, is that a nipple pasty? She better hold on for dear life.

10:04 – Ballsiest performance of the night goes to Pink. I refuse to acknowledge your exclamation point but damn if you aren’t putting on a show right now. I would have asked Beyonce to try it but knowing Bey, she has way too much ass and no black person in their right mind would get up that high.

10:10 – Great Wale, I really didn’t want to wait until NOVEMBER for your album. Video of the Year with Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. Only reason to watch Fallon late at night is that sketch he has that plays like The Hills and The Roots performing on a nightly basis. Samberg with the Boyz II Men reference. Motownphilly FTW. Beyonce vs. GaGa vs. Eminem vs. Kanye vs. Britney. Damn, that crowd is shitting on ‘Ye at this point.

Bless her heart.

Bless her heart.

10:13 – Beyonce. And dear GOD that heffer GaGa has a fucking White Christmas reef on her head for a hat. Beyonce got the one that mattered. Taylor Swift getting some classy love from Beyonce, all is somewhat saved. But you still aren’t going to tell me that Kanye didn’t steal the show yet again.

10:19 – Jay’s the last performance. Empire State of Mind. I think MTV just pissed me off by playing Brooklyn (Go Hard) as it should have been on BP3. It’ll be #1 come Wednesday but that is fucking rude to me. That Rhapsody commercial with Jay recreating all his album covers is still DOPE.

10:22 – Lemme get this straight. You’re wearing a jacket. And a vest. Hov, I’m sorry but I can’t get down with that. Even though they giving him the fucking legend treatment with the walk through. By the way, Alicia on that piano – don’t EVEN get me started about what me and Miss Keys would start playing.

10:23 – Best SONG on BP3 by far. I’m wondering what kind of deal Jay has with Ray-Bans. He’s been rocking these damn Joe Camel shades for like 3 weeks now. That is a dope piano. Nice shot of the Apollo paying tribute to Michael back in June.

10:25 – The only thing that I’ve ever been mad at Alicia Keys for was getting with the new age Humpty Hump, wait I mean Swizz Beats. I know we get on T.I. for getting Tiny of all folks but damn, Ms. Keys could have done better herself. Love the B-Boy stances by the both of them. And new slogan, Blame it on the ‘Ye.

10:27 – Gaga still has on that damn reef. And Beyonce acting like Jay’s biggest fan knowing all the words to his songs. Wait, why the HELL IS LIL’ MAMA ON STAGE?! Oh dear God, they’re going to show the This Is It trailer. I now officially wish he had finished the concert before he was murdered. I still throw up a little knowing the fact he was murdered. That would have been the biggest concert in my life – I would have paid DAMN GOOD money to go.

10:30 – Yes, the awards ended ON TIME. And I’m out, like Russell Brand saying, “I’m the real winner here!” Good night folks, hopefully I’ll grab some Janet footage and throw it up. She had best performance by default. Strong default. For the most part, Kanye stole the show (without even performing or winning) and everything kind of moved in a flow. Can’t really remember a dull spot throughout the 2 and a half hours. Which reminds me, I just typed 3,000 plus words on an award show. Holla at ya’ll man.