How did I know.

How did I know that I’d be writing one day about Pacman Jones and him fucking himself right out of getting back into the NFL?

Maybe because the two go hand in hand like BET and ignorance. Or Gucci Mane and an ad-lib. Or… well let’s just all agree that Pacman can’t get anything right these days, not even getting into a CANADIAN football league.

Or why Shawne Merriman tried to turn a known ho into a slight housewife?

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.3365175&w=425&h=350&fv=]

With Pacman, you already know the deal. The man stays around trouble like Charlie Brown getting duped by Lucy and that damn football. After his detailed time with the strippers that led to a man getting paralyzed after All-Star Weekend in Vegas a few years ago, I was hopeful Pacman would do something to redeem himself when Jerry Jones signed him up. He bombed after missing two whole years of football (while WRESTLING mind you) and wasn’t even considered to be picked up by anybody this off-season.

So flash forward to this week and you see headlines about Pacman getting a shot in the Canadian Football League with the Winnipeg Bombers. Two consecutive days they kept saying that they were interested and then come Friday, they became no longer interested. How? Pacman killed his own dream of getting back to the big show in the same way that Stephon Marbury’s vaseline eating ass pretty much sealed his fate as a complete nut. UStream.

Here’s the slight play-by-play.

Jones made a lengthy internet appearance on streaming video, that’s what, a video in which he looked and sounded exactly like what he is: a loser who had absolutely no interest in the CFL, other than using it to sucker another NFL team into throwing money at him.

“Don’t throw no dollars at me,” a shirtless Jones, flexing for the camera, said at one point. “If you want to throw somethin’ at me, throw me an NFL contract, man.”

If there was a theme to his video — and the thing was so disjointed you couldn’t help but wonder if the guy was actually jointed, if you know what I mean — it was that Jones was going to cash his Winnipeg cheques and get out of Dodge faster than a Cadillac XLR on nitro.

“I’ve got a clause in my contract, when I get a call from an NFL team I can go over,” he said. “I actually got two calls today, so if they tell me tomorrow that Pacman’s back, that’d be a bummer for all my Winnipeg fans.”

The video, which streamed live Tuesday evening and was readily available on the web yesterday — how’d you enjoy it, Lyle Bauer? — began with Jones saying he’d signed to play in the new UFL.

“Go to the UFL and do my thing and get ready for a playoff run in the NFL, you know what I’m sayin’?”

That’s when someone called Jones, live, and presumably told him what league he was really going to.

“Pain is only temporary,” Jones said. “Besides, I’m only gonna be there for eight weeks… or shorter.”

And people got mad when Mike Vick got a chance to comeback. Jones is stupider, a grade A case of talent getting outdone by ignorance. Speaking of ignornace, who in their right mind would go after a D-List celebrity who can hardly make up her mind about whether or not she wants dick or pussy (I’m being blunt as hell right now). Shawne Merriman apparently. Thanks to that good ol’ UStream, Tila Tequila was spouting off about wanting a baby daddy and showing some titty, not wanting a man supposedly. Now she’s all on Merriman and what happens? She gets choked out.

What nets Merriman in this column or spot is simple. He was on the road back to having a damn good season after his injury last season and that steroid fiasco he went through a while back. But to choke a woman who looks like the female head detective? Aww hell no. Speaking of which, out of all the women you could have gotten Shawne – why her? I know San Diego has some pretty women, some bad women and yet you settle for the walking talking Blow Pop.

Lights out indeed.