We all love lists, of all kinds. Remember Slam Books in middle/high school that listed who was this and who was that and people would get sixth times upset if they felt they were jilted? Yes, you do. Put it like this, some folks wait to make the Dean’s List in college. Others wait to make the list of their school’s best dressed. Well I’ve got a list for you – self-deprecating of course.

Why I Consider Myself to Be a Pretentious Asshole (Sometimes)

Before I list these reasons, be clear that this isn’t a bitching and moaning post or anything like that. This is something of just looking inward and figuring out some stuff. Trust, my self-confidence is fine and dandy even though some things come around to try and cripple it. Save the inspirational texts or status messages and take this for what it is – a rant about the bad side of me.

Reason #1: I will shove my diverse music collection, knowledge, and this blog down your throat.

–      What, do you really think folks appreciate it if I say that I’ve listened to the latest bullshit “I Hate Men/Independent Women” track on the radio and then jam some LCD Soundsystem? No. But I do it out of enjoyment of being diverse, as if that were something to really achieve these days. All topical labels I used to consider special growing up like diverse & original are hard to see due to the fact that someone will latch onto whatever “new” thing you just did. That and I bring this blog up in my daily conversation and of course on Facebook which is basically just being even more of an asshole and celebrating my status as someone who kinda lives on the Internet.

Reason #2: I Sometimes Become an Elitist, Therefore Am Better than You.

–      When I’m actually not. I’ve looked down on BET and some social norms that other folks accept out of pure spite. Some folks I consider just a wee bit stupid for making certain decisions that they make because it isn’t what I would see as the best choice. Really, I don’t want to hear about you bitching and moaning about why a certain relationship is going wrong when the last FOUR relationships you’ve had have gone the same way. You attract ain’t shit people and you aren’t shit yourself, do something about it.

Reason #3: Up Until This Year, I Hardly Took Advice From Folks.

–      Possibly the reason why I had to have a sit-down with some of my close friends earlier in the summer. I’m hard headed, somebody who will listen to their own shit before anybody else. And when I get in my “fuck everybody” mode, it usually yields bad results. I’ve shut myself off, do my own thing under no guidance or direction and the belief is that I’ve done these things to please me – when they hurt me. Kind of backwards, don’t ya think?

Reason #4: I’ve Found Some People to be … Boring.

–      Literally. I grow tired of hearing the same stories and people who fit into the same stereotypical roles of life. The person who will call incessantly with drama. The party promoter who sends you invites to events you’re not going to go to. Yes, you bore me. Also, the people who fall in line with whatever pop culture sensation and try to claim that they were first just so they don’t get deemed a follower. There’s nothing wrong with being a follower. You follow Christ’s ideals, right? You follow the idea that you want to be successful and rich and all that hoopla, am I not mistaken?

Reason #5: I Read & Use Big Words for Fun.

–      Hence the title. I don’t know if a whole lot of folks are going to understand pretentious or how I’m trying to procure these assets so I can go back to the University of Houston and graduate. Sometimes, I just use lofty words to piss folks off. They smile in my face but I know for damn sure that under their breath they’re wondering, “Nigga, I’m your equal. You don’t have to prove your intelligence to me. STFU. Kthxbye.” Speaking of UH…

Reason #6: Underneath My Skin, I’m Bitter about College

–      Yes, honest to God bitter. Although I’ve met some great people in college (some of whom I may deem lifelong friends), I still wish for something more and somehow get weirdly jealous when I look at my friends Facebook accounts. All littered with accomplishments, groups, fraternities/sororities, internships and then look in the mirror at what’s happened with me. But, at least I can blame myself and my actions and not really look for a scapegoat about it.

Reason #6(a): I’ve Based My Life on the Impossible.

–      Why is this the add-on to six? Well, I dreamed of meeting my version of Whitley Gilbert in college (after chasing after my Lisa Bonet and getting shut down), being on college radio and being adored. Yes, I’m an asshole for being somewhat an ego. Here’s a big word to throw out to drive a point – narcissistic. And while I throw around some nifty quotes and ideas and hardly ever actually apply them to life – I’ll give them to you for you to digest. Makes me an asshole for not heeding my own advice, doesn’t it?

Reason #7: I Have a Napoleon Complex

–      Short jokes piss me off sometimes and I take that frustration out on my short friends. I fail to have a joke ready for somebody taller or wittier than me so I low blow it and take aim at someone smaller (in stature or esteem). I’ve made jokes about people who can see, folks who are in Wheelchairs, who are dark skinned or light skinned, who have weird hairstyles or choices in clothes and music. And a lot of them were cruel, plenty cruel.

All of these listed are asshole tendencies, I just had the nerve to turn the spotlight onto myself.