Since the age of seventeen, I’ve dealt with the retail business. Well, a lot of people have and since it’s one of the biggest sectors of business, it’s only fitting that you have your gripes and complaints about it. So without further ado, here are the rules of working in retail – believe me, they’re all true.*

Note: The above pic is from Kanye West’s “Spaceship” video. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s included after the jump.

Your boss/supervisors will fall under three categories.
- Fake: This is true for all reasons because jobs want these type of people. They realize what people will try to be buddy buddy with you and then the next tell you that this isn’t right when you obviously know policy. These folks’ll have your phone number and everything, attempting to be your best friend at one point and then remind you the next that they’re over you like some ass backwards overseer who eats with the slaves. Refer to Rule #4080 (c. ATCQ) and apply it to retail jobs.
- By the Books/Super Asshole: The type of people who stick to the rules no matter what, walk like they generally have a stick up their asses 25/8 (c. DJ DMD) and have some warped sense of humor. I mean the type of humor that makes you only laugh because you know that shit wasn’t funny but since this is your boss – you have to laugh, otherwise he’ll go to the book and tell you what you need to do. You’ll do the right thing once and he/she’ll explain it to you how it SHOULD be done. Your general asshole boss.
- Cool Then A Fan: The boss you always want because they understand the bullshit you go through on a day to day basis. They’ll even cut you some slack and give you good hours when you need them because they’ve flexible. You want to get cool with these guys to get the perks of being in slight management and really are looking to be on your side if any customer gets unruly. Speaking of which…

You will have to face unruly customers – every DAY you’re at work.
- There’s no way in the world you’re going to have peace and serenity at a job, no matter if it’s on its own little lot of land or if it’s in the mall. Somebody is going to come in the store and it’s up to you to tell them, “Nah, we don’t have that.” Expect them to either do two things, a) Understand and move on to something else or b) flip the hell out just because you ran out. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault that it’s a giant sale this weekend and people from all over are going to try and grab one product for cheap, but be aware that one customer is going to piss you off just for doing your job. And you have every right after they’re gone to say how you feel. Saying how you feel in their face? Expect a pink slip come the next day.

“The customer is always right” – the biggest bullshit lie EVER.
- This statement is headlined at any job because in order for retail to work, a company has to bend its will to its consumers. Forget bending, it’s more like extending yourself to look like a pretzel. Believe me, you will do all types of shady crap just to make somebody happy with a sale and your bosses will smile and joke with you because they know the rule is some bullshit too. Like I said earlier, you will want to scream and shout and be pissed to the high heavens over these folks doing the crap they do but you can’t.

Retail is like High School.
- Face it, you will be hit on by your co-workers, you will hate going even though there may be some good ass gossip going on and you can’t wait for your designated time to leave. Plus, you might have a cafeteria to eat at so folks will section themselves off to sit with the folks they talk to the most and clique up. And your issues will be the talk of the store if you put yourself out there like that. If you ever decide to get into it with one of your co-workers, to put it mildly, everybody’ll know, they’ll try to stir shit up and make it worse and you will constantly have to defend yourself from lies and rumors.

You will have one co-worker who tells ALL of his/her business.
- Yep, there is always one person who wears their issues on their sleeve and will look to seek you out and have you bear down to listen to all of their problems no matter how bizarre or sad they are. You may hear any and everything ranging from baby mama/daddy drama, how they can’t pay their bills, how they want this one guy/girl but the guy/girl’s eyes are for someone else/any other drama and gossip. You tell your bullshit and issues at the babershop/hair salon, not your job. Because these folks who go on and on may meet a response they’re not going to like, something along the lines of:

“I don’t care what shit you’re going through, what happened to you filing out that report last week? Or down stocking? Or getting our credit scores up? Huh? Til you fix that then please shut the fuck up!”

You won’t be able to avoid these people because they’re leeches. And sometimes they smell.

Whatever you do, DO NOT start or attempt a relationship with a co-worker.
- If you thought trying to navigate through a relationship in the outside world was hard, try doing it at a job where it is a battlefield between the guys and the girls over who wants to be with who. And if you do decide to even try and just forgo this rule, you had better try your damndest to keep it on the hush (c. Ludacris). Because the moment you two decide to start something, folks out of the wood works will be asking and act quizzical about what happens and what goes on. Don’t even attempt to try and play it off because these same gossipers will try to break up your little piece of happiness with the swiftness of a Republican against Obama. So the best option is to simply date someone OUTSIDE of work because in work can make work awkward as hell if you two ever break up and especially if you two work in the same department.

And my last one:

Don’t. Trust. Anybody.
- While you want to be cool with folks, make friends and share some memories, realize this – none of these folks will go home with you or worry about whether or not you even come into work. Your ideas may make them laugh but they won’t change them because by default, a lot of people are assholes underneath it all. Even those you consider “close” to you will mess you over or do something to jeopardize your feelings about your job. Folks that hire will hire to fill out quotas on race and sex, folks that work with you are trying to move up and leave you behind. The only person you depend on when you step in the door until you leave – should be you. Kanye had it right when he left the GAP. “This fuckin’ job can’t help him, so I quit, ya’ll welcome”.

* true until I see different.

BONUS

Brando

EIC of Day & A Dream, Brando has written for such publications as DJ Booth, Refined Hype & the Houston Press. Wrestling enthusiast, sneaker addict, sports junkie and certified cake eater. Follow him on Twitter: @_brandoc

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