I’ll be the first to admit. Kobe Bean Bryant doesn’t inspire me to get a shoe deal form Nike, jump over Aston Martins or even star in a puppet commerical with LeBron James (if I ever meet a real life Lil’ Dez…god help me).

Nobody can figure it out why we exactly hate KB24, but I can think of a FEW reasons.

First off, Kobe gives off the impression that you shouldn’t like him. That he strives to be the best and has come up with a million reaons to make you like him but you can’t. I remember for a while I used to actually be a Kobe fan and spend a few Blockbuster Rentals on his NBA Courtside game (btw, the first time I’ve ever seen a second fiddle get a game – hell, not even Pippen could get a Live cover!).

Then the rape trial happen and Kobe was all of a sudden the anti-hero.

Yes, Jordan gambled and was suspended for 18 months for it by David Stern (don’t believe that baseball shit for a second) but Mike had that smile and was so smooth with his game and those Jordans that you couldn’t help but say, “Damn I Wanna Be Like Mike”.  Kobe? Not so much. He’ll verbally piss off his teammates and scare them half to death that they have to play well for the Lakers (or the Kobes as I’ll refer to them as). He undermines Phil Jackson game by game and I even caught something after Game 2 of the Finals.

Here’s the scenario: tie game, 9 seconds left, the Kobes could take a 2-0 lead in the Finals and guess who gets to take the last shot? You guessed it, Kobe. Here’s the weird thing. Gummi Bear (Lamar Odom) was wide open. Derek Fisher was wide the hell open for a three that only Robert Horry could have made. Does Kobe pass in that situation, trust everybody around him and let them HELP him get that ring without Shaq? Hell naw.

Kobe tries to shoot, gets blocked by Hedo Turkolgu from behind (really, how does his slow ass block supposedly the “best closer in the game”) and goes to the bench bitching about a no call. And Phil looks at him with that same look that Bill Duke gave Caine in Menace 2 Society.

“You know Mike would have hit that right?”

And he would have. Shit, when we saw LeBron hit that three on a catch and shoot against the Magic, you knew that was a Jordan moment that only Mike could pull off. But Kobe? Give Kobe that moment and we’ll react like oh, figures. Besides the fact that he just irks the hell out of people, can make a Spike Lee documentary look bad and can seemingly do NO WRONG in L.A., it’s only fitting that they’ll probably give him Finals MVP just off of his facial expressions alone. I mean really, its the main thing the press is talking about.

Not about how the Magic beat the two best teams in the East to get there. How Stan Van Gundy looks like Ron Jeremy and should always wear dark suits because he looks like he’ll sweat through anything. Not even about how Phil Jackson just looks halfway homeless. The media focuses on the scrounges on Kobe’s face. I’ve seen people (figuratively) make better struggle faces while taking a shit before Kobe decides to get all pissy because the Shaq shit still eats at him to this day.

So once they let Kobe have this title (since Dwight Howard doesn’t feel like showing up, period. Maybe we need Nate Robinson), I hope the media just moves back to waiting on LeBron. Because as a Rockets fan viewer, I can honestly say that we drove the Kobes to seven games and Kobe didn’t completely whip our asses save for Game 2 when he put up 40.

Kobe the Puppet  > Kobe the Ball Player.

Oh and there should have been a minute pause after Lil’ Wayne’s dedication to Kobe. I mean, Hov drops Jordan references here and there (okay, a lot) but never made a WHOLE SONG dedicated to the man. For the evidence to that…um…slight act of fuckery I’ll give you this.